Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

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John
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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby John » Tue May 14, 2019 1:02 pm

Colin B wrote:
TonyS wrote:Let's just settle on 'bird' then.
Sorry you're not getting any..cough, cough.
Colin B wrote:I meant the KFC variety - as I'm not a meat eater...
Private Presley wrote:So you gave up on flesh?
Colin B wrote:Actually, I'm a pescatarian - so I do eat sea food...
John wrote:So you won't be eating that beluga?
Is it still there?
Colin B wrote:Beluga Whale off Gravesend.JPG


They reckon it has left us now.
John wrote:Yeah right! Have the local pubs been offering cheap beluga and chips?



No.


Hope it gets back safely to where it came from.

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby TonyS » Tue May 14, 2019 1:55 pm

Dear Beluga,
'Where do you come from?'
www.memphismansion.com
What a great place to visit, it really is.

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby Colin B » Tue May 14, 2019 2:22 pm

TonyS wrote:Dear Beluga,
'Where do you come from?'


Ha ha ha !

Pity we couldn't ask it that question !


Hopefully, it's gone to rejoin its 'pod' - wherever that is...
Colin B

"Judge a man not by his answers but by his questions" - Voltaire
"Why ?" - Colin B

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby Colin B » Thu Aug 15, 2019 7:42 pm

Doctor Joke.JPG
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Colin B

"Judge a man not by his answers but by his questions" - Voltaire
"Why ?" - Colin B


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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby Mountain Mist » Thu Aug 15, 2019 9:17 pm

Colin B wrote:Doctor Joke.JPG



Funny :lol:

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby Colin B » Fri Aug 23, 2019 12:16 pm

Voted funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe:

"I keep getting an uncontrollable urge to randomly shout out 'Cauliflower !' & 'Broccoli' !

I think I'm suffering from 'Florets' !

NB - The Tourettes Charity has demanded an apology.
Colin B

"Judge a man not by his answers but by his questions" - Voltaire
"Why ?" - Colin B

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby John » Fri Aug 23, 2019 9:38 pm

Colin B wrote:Voted funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe:

"I keep getting an uncontrollable urge to randomly shout out 'Cauliflower !' & 'Broccoli' !

I think I'm suffering from 'Florets' !

NB - The Tourettes Charity has demanded an apology.

The Tourettes Charity needs to get a life, but actually the joke is pretty weak anyway. It's not that funny, worth a groan at best. Try some of these:
https://inews.co.uk/light-relief/jokes/ ... est-jokes/

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby Colin B » Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:57 pm

John wrote:The Tourettes Charity needs to get a life, but actually the joke is pretty weak anyway.
It's not that funny, worth a groan at best.
Try some of these:
https://inews.co.uk/light-relief/jokes/ ... est-jokes/


Thanks !

Some of those are really good !

If only I could remember them when I need to...
Colin B

"Judge a man not by his answers but by his questions" - Voltaire
"Why ?" - Colin B

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby Colin B » Sat Aug 24, 2019 8:09 am

This was from the same comedian - it has to be said with a West Indian sort of accent to work best:

"Dem jokes about de white sugar are quite rare, but de jokes about de brown sugar - demarara !"

Not exactly PC by todays standards, but I find it quite clever & funny...
Colin B

"Judge a man not by his answers but by his questions" - Voltaire
"Why ?" - Colin B

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby John » Sat Aug 24, 2019 2:09 pm

Colin B wrote:This was from the same comedian - it has to be said with a West Indian sort of accent to work best:

"Dem jokes about de white sugar are quite rare, but de jokes about de brown sugar - demarara !"

Not exactly PC by todays standards, but I find it quite clever & funny...

Yes, I thought was better than the tourettes one.

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby james-henry » Thu Oct 17, 2019 10:46 pm

Heres an oldie A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county show and sell them. At the show, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family land rover, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family Land Rover and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, Mary, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, " they're in the Land Rover and one of them is honking the horn!


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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby Mountain Mist » Fri Oct 18, 2019 1:40 am

james-henry wrote:Heres an oldie A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county show and sell them. At the show, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family land rover, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family Land Rover and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, Mary, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, " they're in the Land Rover and one of them is honking the horn!



I have not heard this joke before, and I love it!

LOL

Thank you James-Henry.

Toot-toot!

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby james-henry » Fri Oct 18, 2019 7:14 pm

Glad you like it MM plenty more where that one came from.?

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby John » Fri Oct 18, 2019 7:19 pm

james-henry wrote:Glad you like it MM plenty more where that one came from.?

Let's be having them, then. Don't hang back.

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby james-henry » Fri Oct 18, 2019 7:32 pm

Italian Girl------------------A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, and the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never seen a man naked or made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?"

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, "Hair on his chest? that's normal. he's your husband, it's your wedding night, get back upstairs."

When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother,
'Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?"
The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, "Hair on his legs? He's your husband, that's normal, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."

The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs.

"Momma, Momma! He's only got a foot and a half! What should I do?"

The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says, "Holy Mother, a foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I'm going upstairs


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