Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Share your non-Elvis stuff here
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WalterHaleJnr
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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Fri Oct 02, 2020 11:07 pm

Ed: The same bike tries to run me down every day!

Fred: Sounds like a vicious cycle...

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Fri Oct 02, 2020 11:19 pm

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Sun Oct 04, 2020 3:14 am

The Wife says...



The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Sun Oct 04, 2020 3:20 am

A man's translations...
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...


"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car

I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."


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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby Mountain Mist » Thu Oct 08, 2020 12:38 am


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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Mon Oct 12, 2020 8:04 pm

An auditor was auditing a government hospital in Moscow, Russia.
He asked the Superintendent, “How did Boris die?”
“He took the vaccine.” answered the Sup.
“And Andrei?”
“vaccine.”
“Petrov Ivanawich?”
“vaccine”
“Vladimir Jenko?”
“A blow on the head.”
“Ah, a different cause. What happened?”
“He refused to take the vaccine!”

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Wed Oct 21, 2020 12:27 am

we're 14 days out from the all-important U.S. presidential election.

Hows about some 'Only in America' jokes ?


1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Bill Clinton was in office)

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Wed Oct 21, 2020 12:33 am

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Wed Oct 21, 2020 12:46 am

An American and a Russian are arguing about which country has more freedom. The American says, “I can walk right up to the White House and shout 'Down with Donald Trump!' and nothing bad will happen to me.” The Russian replies, “Guess what? I can walk in front of Kremlin and shout 'Down with Donald Trump!' and nothing will happen to me either.”

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Wed Oct 21, 2020 12:46 am

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby John » Wed Oct 21, 2020 7:37 am

WalterHaleJnr wrote:we're 14 days out from the all-important U.S. presidential election.

Hows about some 'Only in America' jokes ?


1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Bill Clinton was in office)

Quite a few of those apply in the UK too.

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby Private Presley » Fri Oct 23, 2020 4:04 am

JOKE OF THE DAY
The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. 
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy." 
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies 
Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy." 
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. 
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy,
and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left. 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. 
"There are no discounts.. The price is still £5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. 
After an hour, he left. 
The following night the man was there yet again. 
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,
but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man,  
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. 
Where are you from?”
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
"I know." the man said..
"Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1.   Death
2.   Taxes
3.   Being screwed by a lawyer
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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Sat Oct 24, 2020 9:24 am

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045
I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was saying but I figured the risk of transmission was low due to his protective gear and frankly, I was ready for some human interaction, even from a potential crazy person, so I let him in.

He sat down and said he wanted to tell me some things about the future because if this knowledge was entrusted to me, I could be trusted to use it for good. Over the next few minutes he told me about many things but I was left with many questions. He said I could ask a few, so I did.

I asked about climate change. He assured me that after 2035, nations got serious and the problem has been all but solved.

I asked about Covid-19. He assured me it would be a blip on the radar of human history and nobody worries about pandemics anymore.

I asked about massive economic turmoil we are in. He said despite the borrowing and deficits of earlier times, those debts are now repaid. The United States has never been a better more united society. Everyone has free healthcare.

I was so happy to hear all this. I asked about inflation and how much it costs for a gallon of water, or a loaf of bread or a cup of coffee. He chuckled and said I didn't need to worry about such trivial things. In the year 2045, it was possible to still get coffee at Starbucks in America for under 150 Yuan.

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Sat Oct 24, 2020 9:27 am

Being genetically engineered, evaluated, selected, and trained from birth to be a super-soldier...
before being deployed to a fight a technologically inferior foe in a far-off country to secure economic gains for your overseers, then being either left to die or executed for convenience, is either the plot of a dark and kickass dystopian fiction novel, or a technically accurate description of the American military's use of K-9s in the Middle East.

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Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Sat Oct 24, 2020 9:29 am

What did the US say to the EU?
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