Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Share your non-Elvis stuff here

User avatar

WalterHaleJnr
Posts: 11324
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2015 6:03 pm
Has thanked: 4423 times
Been thanked: 3532 times

Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Sat Oct 31, 2020 12:08 pm

Two witches, a blonde witch and a brunette witch, inherit the family haunted ranch and house. Unfortunately, after just a few months in taking over, they are in big financial trouble. In order to keep the blood sucking bank (run by Vampires) from repossessing the new ranch, they need to purchase a big strong bull so that they can breed their own stock. After a short time looking online they found there bull.

So the brunette witch tells the blonde witch, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and help me it home”. The brunette witch flies to the man’s ranch, inspects the bull and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $999, and not a dollar less.

After buying the bis strong bull, she flies to the nearest town to send her sister a email to tell her news. She walks into the internet cafe, and says, “I want to send an email to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul the bull home”.

The internet cafe lady explains that she’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “That you need to buy a drink to use the internet”.

Well, after paying for their new bull, the brunette witch only has $1.00 left. Too which the internet lady says “their cheapest drink is $3.66.” But continue with
“So you can’t use the internet. But I well send her a one word sms for a $1.”

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”. The internet cafe lady shakes her head. “How in hell is she ever going to know that you want her hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul your new bull back to your ranch if you send here the word, “comfortable?”

The brunette witch explains, “My sister witch is blonde. The word’s very big for her. She’ll read slow…. (“com-for-da-bul”)


User avatar

WalterHaleJnr
Posts: 11324
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2015 6:03 pm
Has thanked: 4423 times
Been thanked: 3532 times

Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Sun Nov 08, 2020 8:21 am

.png
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.


User avatar

WalterHaleJnr
Posts: 11324
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2015 6:03 pm
Has thanked: 4423 times
Been thanked: 3532 times

Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Sun Nov 08, 2020 8:24 am

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'

The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag...


User avatar

WalterHaleJnr
Posts: 11324
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2015 6:03 pm
Has thanked: 4423 times
Been thanked: 3532 times

Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Tue Nov 10, 2020 10:55 am

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . . 'You just happened to catch my eye.'


User avatar

WalterHaleJnr
Posts: 11324
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2015 6:03 pm
Has thanked: 4423 times
Been thanked: 3532 times

Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Tue Nov 10, 2020 10:58 am

.png
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.


User avatar

John
Posts: 23519
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 6:36 pm
Has thanked: 5140 times
Been thanked: 6803 times

Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby John » Tue Nov 10, 2020 11:43 am

WalterHaleJnr wrote:A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . . 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Groannnnn.


User avatar

WalterHaleJnr
Posts: 11324
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2015 6:03 pm
Has thanked: 4423 times
Been thanked: 3532 times

Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Wed Nov 11, 2020 9:42 pm

Good Heavens !!

.jpg



:o :lol:
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.


User avatar

John
Posts: 23519
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 6:36 pm
Has thanked: 5140 times
Been thanked: 6803 times

Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby John » Wed Nov 11, 2020 10:10 pm

WalterHaleJnr wrote:Good Heavens !!

.jpg


:o :lol:

Colin uses his bus pass.


User avatar

WalterHaleJnr
Posts: 11324
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2015 6:03 pm
Has thanked: 4423 times
Been thanked: 3532 times

Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Thu Nov 12, 2020 12:07 am

John wrote:
WalterHaleJnr wrote:Good Heavens !!

.jpg


:o :lol:

Colin uses his bus pass.


Does COLIN drive a vehicle?


User avatar

WalterHaleJnr
Posts: 11324
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2015 6:03 pm
Has thanked: 4423 times
Been thanked: 3532 times

Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Thu Nov 12, 2020 12:14 am

picture deleted
Last edited by WalterHaleJnr on Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:04 am, edited 3 times in total.


User avatar

John
Posts: 23519
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 6:36 pm
Has thanked: 5140 times
Been thanked: 6803 times

Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby John » Thu Nov 12, 2020 7:37 am

WalterHaleJnr wrote:
John wrote:
WalterHaleJnr wrote:Good Heavens !!

.jpg


:o :lol:

Colin uses his bus pass.


Does COLIN drive a vehicle?

No.


User avatar

WalterHaleJnr
Posts: 11324
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2015 6:03 pm
Has thanked: 4423 times
Been thanked: 3532 times

Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:00 am

John wrote:
WalterHaleJnr wrote:
John wrote:
WalterHaleJnr wrote:Good Heavens !!

.jpg


:o :lol:

Colin uses his bus pass.


Does COLIN drive a vehicle?

No.


That makes two of us.


User avatar

WalterHaleJnr
Posts: 11324
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2015 6:03 pm
Has thanked: 4423 times
Been thanked: 3532 times

Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby WalterHaleJnr » Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:01 am

This next one would have been perfect for Halloween to post here.

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge" he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just swapped the heads." :lol: :lol: :lol:


User avatar

Colin B
Posts: 26370
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 6:35 pm
Location: Gravesend - UK
Has thanked: 7159 times
Been thanked: 6638 times

Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby Colin B » Thu Nov 12, 2020 10:45 am

John wrote:Colin uses his bus pass.
WalterHaleJnr wrote:Does COLIN drive a vehicle?


I don't have a car, since you ask, but I do have a current driving licence.

Not that it's any of your business...
Colin B

"Judge a man not by his answers but by his questions" - Voltaire
"Why ?" - Colin B


User avatar

John
Posts: 23519
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 6:36 pm
Has thanked: 5140 times
Been thanked: 6803 times

Re: Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

Postby John » Thu Nov 12, 2020 11:01 am

Colin B wrote:
John wrote:Colin uses his bus pass.
WalterHaleJnr wrote:Does COLIN drive a vehicle?


I don't have a car, since you ask, but I do have a current driving licence.

Not that it's any of your business...

Not had your coffee and muffin yet, Colin? Oh, that's none of my business either.


Return to “Off Topic”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Colin B and 33 guests