Dumb Jokes: Volume 1

[Mountain Mist]

Doctor Joke.JPG

Funny

[Colin B]

Voted funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe:

"I keep getting an uncontrollable urge to randomly shout out 'Cauliflower !' & 'Broccoli' !

I think I'm suffering from 'Florets' !

NB - The Tourettes Charity has demanded an apology.

[John]

Voted funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe:

"I keep getting an uncontrollable urge to randomly shout out 'Cauliflower !' & 'Broccoli' !

I think I'm suffering from 'Florets' !

NB - The Tourettes Charity has demanded an apology.

The Tourettes Charity needs to get a life, but actually the joke is pretty weak anyway. It's not that funny, worth a groan at best. Try some of these:
https://inews.co.uk/light-relief/jokes/ ... est-jokes/

[Colin B]

The Tourettes Charity needs to get a life, but actually the joke is pretty weak anyway.
It's not that funny, worth a groan at best.
Try some of these:
https://inews.co.uk/light-relief/jokes/ ... est-jokes/

Thanks !

Some of those are really good !

If only I could remember them when I need to...

[Colin B]

This was from the same comedian - it has to be said with a West Indian sort of accent to work best:

"Dem jokes about de white sugar are quite rare, but de jokes about de brown sugar - demarara !"

Not exactly PC by todays standards, but I find it quite clever & funny...

[John]

This was from the same comedian - it has to be said with a West Indian sort of accent to work best:

"Dem jokes about de white sugar are quite rare, but de jokes about de brown sugar - demarara !"

Not exactly PC by todays standards, but I find it quite clever & funny...

Yes, I thought was better than the tourettes one.

[james-henry]

Heres an oldie A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county show and sell them. At the show, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family land rover, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family Land Rover and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, Mary, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, " they're in the Land Rover and one of them is honking the horn!

[Mountain Mist]

Heres an oldie A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county show and sell them. At the show, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family land rover, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family Land Rover and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, Mary, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, " they're in the Land Rover and one of them is honking the horn!

I have not heard this joke before, and I love it!

LOL

Thank you James-Henry.

Toot-toot!

[james-henry]

Glad you like it MM plenty more where that one came from.?

[John]

Glad you like it MM plenty more where that one came from.?

Let's be having them, then. Don't hang back.

[james-henry]

Italian Girl------------------A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, and the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never seen a man naked or made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?"

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, "Hair on his chest? that's normal. he's your husband, it's your wedding night, get back upstairs."

When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother,
'Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?"
The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, "Hair on his legs? He's your husband, that's normal, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."

The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs.

"Momma, Momma! He's only got a foot and a half! What should I do?"

The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says, "Holy Mother, a foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I'm going upstairs

[james-henry]

Turpentine--------------------A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.
He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

[james-henry]

Back on track

[John]

We may never know.

[picturefan]

Ok,cheap one: a servant came into a hotel room to clean up the beds and found a condom.
Horrified, she asked the woman, the one who rented and occupied it the night before, in stuttering words"wh....what is that?"
The woman replied: " what? Never had sex before in your life?".
The female servant replied: "yes, but never until the skin peeled off".